Over the past 2 years, Amaya (9) has shown significant interest in sketching. She takes classes and follows tutorials via YouTube and books when she’s not free styling it. Medina (10) however, usually opts not to take the teacher-led classes.
We were at the craft store last week and I decided to put together a sketching kit to-go for Amaya. As I was asking her to choose her pencils, case, erasers, and smudge tools, Medina asked if she could get some too.
I declined. But what does that look like as a parent who doesn’t take an authoritarian approach? As a parent who values my child’s input and ideas when it comes to life and spending money.
Here is what the interaction looked like- what my “no” looks like in real time:
Dina: mommy can I have to-go kit too?
Me: oh! You would like a to-go sketching kit?
Dina: yeah
Me: let’s talk about it! (Meanwhile I’m still shopping so I didn’t have to stop everything) tell me what you like about it and what you think you would do with it!
Dina: just to draw and stuff
Me: ok, so you want to be able to create on the go?
Dina: yeah
Me: ok, that makes sense. It’s also probably hard to watch Amaya get some cool new things when you aren’t huh?
Dina: nods
Me: I totally understand that! It IS hard to feel left out. Can I tell you how I came up with this idea?
Dina: nods
Ok well I noticed Amaya has been spending a lot of time sketching. You know those classes she chose to take and how she’s always sketching in her free time at home? This is something that is becoming a passion of hers. She has been working on it for a while- how long do you think she’s been practicing?
Dina: like since last year or something
Me: yeah! So she has really put in the time and effort with this specifically and lately she’s been doing nature sketches so I thought it was time she had the chance to sketch whenever inspiration strikes! Hey, I remember offering you the classes as well but you weren’t super interested. Can you tell me about that?
Dina: yeah sometimes I doubt myself in art. It’s hard for me (referencing her dysgraphia which does make it difficult)
Me: hmmm ok! I understand that. Is there anything we can do to help you?
Dina: I don’t know.
Me: Think about it for me. We can talk about it again later. I’d really like to support you on your art the way we support your contortion. For now, I’m going to get Amaya her sketching stuff but I heard you when you said you want to create on the go so when we get home we can create a kit for you with the materials you already have. If drawing and sketching become a passion of yours then I’d be more than happy to come back and get you the necessary tools to keep it going. What do you say?
Dina: ok (sadly)
Me: would you like a hug?
Dina *comes in for a hug* and I kiss her head.
And we all move on. She doesn’t have to be happy about the decision. I didn’t try to change her mood. I just let her know that I see her and I’m here if she needs me.
This clearly took a lot longer than just a “no” or a “but Amaya sketches and you don’t so she needs it…and you don’t!”
But it helped Medina feel heard. This conversation that took place in less than 5 minutes enhanced our relationship instead of chipping away at it. I was letting her her know that even though I wasn’t going to get her what she wanted, her thoughts and feelings about it matter to me. She also opened up about a struggle because of it. Something that may play a role in other areas that I can now look out for! Just saying “no not today” wouldn’t have done that. As a matter of fact, she may have turned inwards and created her own story as to why I don’t think she deserves it.
One of the greatest misconceptions of peaceful/gentle/conscious parenting is that it is permissive. It is not permissive. It isn’t about keeping our children “happy” all the time. As a peaceful parent I keep my relationship with my children a priority but not at the expense of my relationship with myself or their sense of reality.
Peaceful parenting is not permissive. It’s kind.
Love and Let Grow 